And Then?????

So what? Now I am a bad person? Ya know what I am sick of? I am sick of sitting in a fast and storymony meeting and listing to people bitch or tell me about their ugly kids, their husbands awesome spirituality, or exhort me to heed this or that. Yeah, I JUST said that. Since when did going up to the pulpit and telling your life story qualify as a testimony? Ya know what, if you want to talk in church tell the Bishop, I am sure he can give you the hook up. That way you can have a whole 20 minutes to talk about whatever the hell you want. Why continue to subject a congregation, who is already hungy and tired, to verbal diarrhea just so you can hear yourself speak? If you want to piss and moan or tell your miraculous stories of how listening to Mr. Covey's habits changed your life then get a blog. And on top of all of that since when did not saying "amen" at the end of a rant qualify one to be looked upon as a son of perdition?? Just because you say it from the pulpit all of the sudden I am expected to slap my concurring stamp of approval on your incoherent speech with an amen? Somewhere someone is keeping track of all those "amens" we throw out as courtesy and I believe there will come a time when we will each have to account for all the times we agreed with something so pointless and stupid all because we feared scorn from our fellow people of the pew. If you want my advice, next time the young mother gets up and bawls her eyes out or the old senile woman talks about fish-assholes (true story, Jackie can vouch for me on this one) over the pulpit do what I do--utter an "and then" real fast and avoid eye contact. I seem to have found that one can decrease the scornful gaze of the so called "testifier" as they march back to their seat amongst the rank and file so long as you chime in with the rest of the half awake, totally captive audience. Try it next time and you'll see that a simple "and then" may save you a lot of guilt at the end of the day knowing full well you didn't fall into the the "amen trap" with everybody and trade your self respect for slothful conformity. AMEN.

P.S. I would have posted this Sunday night but I wanted it to boil within me for a few days so it would take full effect.

Its A Female Thing

Once again I have to thank Mr. Boortz for his ever enlightening offerings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfPjWQQDu3c

For My Mormon Friends Out There

It seems that every time I leave a Sunday school class, a testimony meeting, or any other "faith" related activity in which there are more than 3 Mormons present I must search out my cocktail of a xanax and an ultram to quell the desire to hit myself in the head with a hammer to end the pain. Since I am doing all I can to not join the ranks of Mormons who nearly single handedly support the Prozac and Zoloft industry, I have to get a few things off my chest. If you cannot handle the truth, you need not read further.

1. Big Love is an entertaining show. Deal with it. Its seems to me that the same people who pass the petitions around their local ward to protest HBO are the same ones who threw a fit when Mr. Dutcher broadcast to the world via "Brigham City" a typical Mormon sacrament service. I've never seen any of my fellow Mormons go to war when a Catholic communion is broadcast over cable TV. I guess we only fight our own battles eh?

2. Joseph Smith NEVER said that if one knew what the Telestial Kingdom was like, one would kill themself to get there. This is an old chestnut of the old school Mormons and yet in all my readings I can't seem to place the quote. In fact, every person who I have asked to cite where they get this ridiculous idea suddenly draws a blank and promises to get back to me on where they "just read it". Still waiting for that to happen.

3. The phrase "Sacred not Secret"? Whatever. You and I both know that there are things we are told to keep secret. There is no shame in that. Why do we always try to play it off as "sacred" when we are not equipped to give an outsider the answer?

4. Nephite warriors do not guard the temple doors at night. That's the damn dumbest thing I have ever heard come out of Utah.

5. If you believe that when you go to heaven people will kneel at your feet and that the corridors of heaven will become hushed because you lived at the time of President Hinckley, then you're an idiot. This was a favorite quote passed around all over California when I lived there. It was read over the pulpit more than once and was attributed to everyone from Henry B. Eyring to Brigham Smith. Its a bunch of crap people. No one will bow at your feet just because you lived at a certain time in the history of the world. Get over yourself.

6. Contrary to what many in my own family believe, no grandmother of mine ever saw Cain drinking out of a gutter in Salt Lake. Seriously people.

7. You can count those who qualify to be sons of perdition on one hand. Yet another fable passed down through Mormondom to strike curiosity into our hearts and give the High Priest Group something to debate.

8. Children who are disabled were those who personally led Satan and his minions out of Heaven after the War in Heaven, Or perhaps it was them that fought on the "front lines". Huh? Now I can see how this might bring some of us a little comfort when seeking answers to why some are born with things like Down Syndrome or Cerebral Palsy. I have a little sister who has CP and you know what? there is no explanation for it. There is nothing they did or didn't do to end up with such a malady. Sometimes shit happens. Don't cheapen their struggle by justifying it with a lame excuse such as these so that the world can make sense in your head.

9. John wrote the book of Revelation, NOT the book of RevelationS! Lose the "S"! I really hate this one.