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What in the hell is He thinking?!

Ok, Ok, now I know you're all excited to see that I have posted and can't wait to read what wonderful insights into life's mysteries I have gained over the last few postless months. Some of you may be so excited that you just peed a little--go ahead and get yourself cleaned up, I'll wait.

So life in the Fuller home this last summer has been busy. We went places, did stuff, saw things, had fun and blah blah blah. I am not one to live in the past so I will just go ahead and pick up where I left off. For those of you who may have read the last post I made some months ago you probably have come to the conclusion that I lack any sort of spirituality. Well I can't argue with that. Never have I once claimed to be spiritual. Well as it turns out the Almighty also caught my rant about storymony meetings as well, for He has seen fit to "bless" me with much opportunity to gain a bit o' the spirit lately.

Life has been busy lately. Ally has gone back to work teaching delinquents to carry a tune. I have gone back to school to try and educate myself a little more in the ways of the world. Business is business, busy at times and slower at others (thank goodness for small children and dogs who throw up in cars). Ally is set to pop out the 2nd born in early October and we have been preparing Janna by letting her take out her aggression on baby dolls instead of her forthcoming baby sister.

With all this going on somehow the Lord saw fit to call me as an early morning seminary teacher. Now I know what you're all thinkin: What in the hell is He thinkin?! I know, I know. In fact that was my first thought. But after a few weeks at waking up at 5 am every morning I have come to the conclusion the Lord pretty much plans to grind me into submission. It has nothing to do with my sparkling personality, my debonair looks, my witty charm, or even my keen intellect. Nope, teenagers at 6 in the morning really don't care about any of that. It all has to do with something else.

Ya know how when you're being bad when you're a kid and your parents tell you that someday you will have a child just like you? Well fortunately with Janna that didn't happen. But turns out when you are a seminary student your teacher says the same thing under his breath and somehow--whether because he has a closer link to the Almighty, or his volume of prayer is just higher-- his wish/prediction/prophecy actually comes true.

I am starting to get the hang of this whole teaching thing-- knock on wood. Things were better after I was able to convince the class that I was actually their teacher and not just a freshman they had never met before. Ya see, I have what one might call "boyish" good looks. For as long as I can remember (except for 2 years I spent on California and a stint in the oil field) I have sported a rather fashionable goatee. If you were to ask my high school football coach, he would tell you that I wore it to "cover up some of that ugly". Well I wasn't covering up ugly, just my chin. But there is a problem, after I shaved a couple weeks ago I couldn't find my chin! The damn thing had disappeared. I finally found it after I spent quite some time in the mirror stretching my face skin. Turns out it was there all along, being absorbed into my neck.

Well its near midnight, and I am not as young as I was 2 or 3 weeks ago. Perhaps if you are all lucky there may be somewhat regular posts on this blog. I am also on facebook now, but you will have to request to be my friend as I am WAY to cool to ask you first. Don't expect me to ever really talk to you on there either as I use it for really only two reasons: 1) To make sure my life is better than everyone I went to high school with and 2) I am addicted to the online poker, its my chief source for time well wasted.

And Then?????

So what? Now I am a bad person? Ya know what I am sick of? I am sick of sitting in a fast and storymony meeting and listing to people bitch or tell me about their ugly kids, their husbands awesome spirituality, or exhort me to heed this or that. Yeah, I JUST said that. Since when did going up to the pulpit and telling your life story qualify as a testimony? Ya know what, if you want to talk in church tell the Bishop, I am sure he can give you the hook up. That way you can have a whole 20 minutes to talk about whatever the hell you want. Why continue to subject a congregation, who is already hungy and tired, to verbal diarrhea just so you can hear yourself speak? If you want to piss and moan or tell your miraculous stories of how listening to Mr. Covey's habits changed your life then get a blog. And on top of all of that since when did not saying "amen" at the end of a rant qualify one to be looked upon as a son of perdition?? Just because you say it from the pulpit all of the sudden I am expected to slap my concurring stamp of approval on your incoherent speech with an amen? Somewhere someone is keeping track of all those "amens" we throw out as courtesy and I believe there will come a time when we will each have to account for all the times we agreed with something so pointless and stupid all because we feared scorn from our fellow people of the pew. If you want my advice, next time the young mother gets up and bawls her eyes out or the old senile woman talks about fish-assholes (true story, Jackie can vouch for me on this one) over the pulpit do what I do--utter an "and then" real fast and avoid eye contact. I seem to have found that one can decrease the scornful gaze of the so called "testifier" as they march back to their seat amongst the rank and file so long as you chime in with the rest of the half awake, totally captive audience. Try it next time and you'll see that a simple "and then" may save you a lot of guilt at the end of the day knowing full well you didn't fall into the the "amen trap" with everybody and trade your self respect for slothful conformity. AMEN.

P.S. I would have posted this Sunday night but I wanted it to boil within me for a few days so it would take full effect.